Starting today all you fine folks are going on a journey with me. I won’t always post about it, but I’ll be devoting a lot of time to it.
What is it?
Well, it turns out I’m not as healthy as I thought I was.
You see for the past 6-8 months I’ve been having these horrendous headaches. Sometimes I’d be left curled up in the fetal position on my couch or in bed just crying it hurt so bad. Then other things started to happen, my short-term memory is going, I can’t find the words I know I know, my concentration is zero, I’ve been having focal/partial seizures, my insomnia, irritability and yes, even my depression, it’s all been caused by this…these…two things.
My doctor became concerned as she say my mental well-being begin to deteriorate over the past 3 months. Yeah, it’s gotten worse. So she sent me for an MRI.
I’ll admit I was nervous. So very nervous. What if they found something? Or worse, what if they didn’t?What if this is all in my head!
I got the call today, they found two shadowy areas on my brain that should not be there.
The first is Chiari Malformation 1. A birth defect really that begins to really affect a person once they become an adult. I don’t fully understand it yet, but I will.
The second..and possibly the scariest is the 1 cm Pineal Mass they found. They think it’s benign and aren’t sure if it’s a cyst or a tumor. So AWESOME.
It’s also why I haven’t really been blogging so much. I’ve been a complete paranoid, terrified freak.
I’m even more terrified now.
Thankfully I do work on the neurosurg floor and have access to many neurosurgeons. I may have already found one thanks to a friendly resident who dispenses his wisdom on me from time to time.
I really debated writing or telling anyone. Well, obviously besides the man and the parents. They know now. I spent a majority of my afternoon sitting on my couch in tears. Not for fear of me…but the kids. What if this can’t be fixed? What if it continues getting worse and my mind continues to deteriorate? What if…what if I don’t make it? What happens to my boys? What happens to the man? What happens to my dog or my fat cat?
I’ve heard keep positive, it may not be so bad, you’re fine…blah blah blah. But I also heard, “nothing will show up.”, “It’s all in your head” (which it is…literally) and “you’re fine, stop being a drama queen.”
Things like this don’t happen to people like me. They don’t happen to hard-working, loving, moms. Moms are superheros. We don’t get sick. We don’t have issues. We’re invincible. We’re immortal!
How can I stay immortal for my kids? How do I stay strong for the man? How do I stay strong for myself?