The life of a fat cat


I have a cat.

She’s a fat cat and her name is Venus.

She didn’t start off fat. She was a very tiny kitten and was rejected by her mother. The little 2 week old kitten was alone in the world with nobody to care for her . Greg and I fell in love with her immediately. She was adorable, sweet and very cuddly.

I don’t know what happened to her. She’s not so sweet and cuddly anymore.

As Venus got older we took her to the vet to be spayed. No babies for her! She also became a strictly indoor cat. There are just too many things out there in the world that could either turn her into dinner or just smash her.

She grew fatter and fatter. Granted she’s a Main Coon, but I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be quite so big.

She’s also very mean to me. Not to anyone else, just me.

Let me tell you a few of the things this ungrateful kitty has done to me:

  • She pops out of the darkness at 3 am when I get up to go pee. She’ll wrap her large, furry body around my legs and cause me to yell out and almost pee myself. I think she laughs at me as she scurries down the stairs and to more darkness.
  • She will sit on my nightstand, staring at me while I sleep and twitching her tail. It usually wakes me up and freaks me out. If I yell at her, she smacks me in the face. If I don’t yell at her, she smacks me in the face. She then laughs at me as she scurries out of the room and takes her fat ass down the stairs; thump, thump, thump, and into the darkness.
  • She will come into whatever room I’m in and begin scratching furniture. She pauses mid-scratch to look at me, smiles and continues. If I yell at her she does a weird kitty leap at me and attacks my legs. Then laughs and scurries off to whatever darkness she can find.
  • I cannot go pee without her sitting on the sink staring at me. She sits on the ledge, next to the toilet and twitches her tail. Those beady eyes never leave my face the entire time I do my business.

Those are just a few things that she does to me.

When she’s not tormenting me, what is the fat cat doing? Sleeping or eating. Yes, she lays in my bed and sleeps or waddles her big, furry butt down the stairs to her food bowl.

There are times I’m jealous of her life. She has no responsibilities. She eats, sleeps and goes poo. We don’t have mice or rats, no birds or anything that belongs outside, inside so she’s not expected to do much. Perhaps catch a bug or two. She won’t even do that. The dog does.

I would love to sleep all day.

She’s also mean to the dog. She loves to sink her claws in the dogs nose. Though I can’t blame her, the dog can be a bitch. (No pun intended.) I can’t help but giggle when I see my fat cat sitting up on her haunches “boxing” the dog. She does get in a few really good jabs. The dog never stops going back and instigating which makes me wonder exactly how simple minded my dog really is.

Another thing she does, which this upgraded her from jerk to asshole not long ago, is she moves shoes. For the longest time we were blaming the kids. It wasn’t the kids, it has been our cat. She shoves her head into our shoes and scoots them across the floor. She creates havoc and chaos wherever she goes.

My cat is an asshole.

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