Have you ever gone to a party/cook out/family event where you were hoping and praying to God that one specific person wasn’t there? We’re you sorely disappointed to the point of wanting to scream, “Dear God why do you hate me?” when you showed up and that very person was there?
We all have these people in our lives. The ones who are too loud, obnoxious, drinks all the booze and makes a complete jackass out of themselves, lets the kids run wild and doesn’t watch them.
Oh yeah, that person.
We all encounter them. We all dread them. And for whatever reason we just grin, nod and play nice when in the back of our heads we’ve already killed them 10 times. If they’re really bad 15. And they aren’t pleasant deaths either. They rival Saw…that’s how much this person just grinds you the wrong way. Then you get naughtier…laugh to yourself and think, “You’re mom should have swallowed you.”
Then they ask, “HAhA what are you laughing at.”
You want to answer,”YOU ASSHOLE!” and run away like a madwoman. But you’re a polite mom, remember? So you say, “Oh Betty Sue did just the funniest thing the other day.”
Of course asshole has to say, “What was that?”
You think, “Shit.” But say, “She told a joke.”
Asshole says, “What joke?”
You think, “SHIT!” and procede to tell the dumbest kids joke you know.
Asshole says, “Well that’s stupid, my Bobby said this.” And proceeds to tell you the story of precious Bobby’s life…again. Precious Bobby is as much an asshole as his precious mother. Feed him the chocolate laxative brownies I’m about to talk about too.
Go rent port-a-johns.
Or you could be doing something, keeping busy and not near them when you hear that voice and you mentally begin taking a cheese grater to their tongue. No tongue, they can’t talk and that’s usually where 99.9% of the problems come from.
You look around and nobody is looking up or acknowledging said person but they just can’t take the hint. Eyes are rolling and irritated sighs are going. That person still hasn’t taken the hint.
Do you let the tongue go and let this idiotic, cook out ruining asshole have it, or keep your mouth shut and hope to God they just go home early.
Or you could put extra chocolate laxative in some special brownies made just for that person. That would do 1 of 2 things, keep them in the bathroom for the remainder of their visit or and the best option, send them home.
Most likely in the bathroom. Which is fine because once they’re done, they go home.
Either way it’s win win. You should always keep super special, extra chocolate laxative brownies on hand for such cases.
You also won’t be sent to prison for making someone potty excessively. You will for murder. Even though I don’t think mind murder is illegal…yet.
You don’t have chocolate laxatives? Well, go buy some. Keep it on hand, just in case. But don’t let your favorite Aunt Tessy eat it. Unless you have a lot of potty’s. In that case just have air freshener and a lot of windows.
If you’re wondering why I’m contemplating chocolate laxative brownies and mind murder, I encountered one of these people today and 7 1/2 hours later she’s still irritating me and I’m not even in the same house as her anymore. Yeah, she was that bad. I even contemplated shoving her face into potato salad. I opted for sitting in the living room.
Why waste good potato salad?
I also wanted to inform her that being over weight and 40 did not give her permission to wear shorts that were so short it looked like her bum got hungry and ate them.
I should have just pointed her to my blog about getting dressed in the mornings. She probably wouldn’t have gotten the hint though.
See, I’m still irritated by this woman. That I met once. For three hours.
Within 3 hours I wanted to shove her into potato salad.
I think that’s a record.
I’m making chocolate laxative brownies for the next time I see her. She’ll eat the entire tray….I’ll make sure both of moms bathrooms work.