Deadly words

A few days ago a friend posted the 5 Deadly Words a Woman could use. I had to borrow it for my blog and add a few more.

They made me giggle but they’re true. If you ever hear these words uttered by a woman, know you’re in trouble. These words are usually accompanied by arms being folded over the chest, hands on the hips, a tapping foot and/or narrowing of the eyes and a scowl on the face. If you see any of those followed by one of these phrases, you’re in big trouble.

The first of these is the word FINE. This is a common word that normally means okay but if it’s used during an argument and by a woman it means the complete opposite of fine. This means that the woman is right and it’s time for you to shut up.

NOTHING. If the woman says this word casually and with no dirty/sad look on her face, then there really is nothing wrong. However, if she says it with the narrowed eyes and scowl; you had better start thinking back at least 3 months about everything you have done or said. If you can’t think of anything go back through your text messages, emails, facebook messages/statuses and twitter. If you still have not found anything start talking with friends and family because I can guarantee you have done something. If you still can’t figure out what you’ve done, buy flowers and presents then just apologize. You don’t necessarily have to say specifically what for, just apologize. You can say something along the lines of, “Sweetheart, I know I’ve upset you and acted like a real jackass and baby, I’m just so sorry.” It should work. If you do figure out what you’ve done buy presents and/or dinner accordingly. If it’s a sad face, you may be off the hook; however, something is wrong. You can ask what’s wrong again and if it’s replied with a sterner NOTHING just give her a hug and a kiss. Then go buy flowers.

GO AHEAD. If you ask your lady if you can do something that you know she isn’t going to like or say you’re going to do something that she doesn’t like, you’ll hear this. This is not permission to do what you want. This is a dare. What she really means is , “Don’t you even think for one minute that doing what you’re about to do is okay because it’s not.” If you do actually do what you want to do after hearing GO AHEAD, well, may God have mercy on your soul. Oh and expect at the minimum to be sleeping on the couch for a few days, if not at your mothers house.

WHATEVER. For some women this is our way of saying F*#% you without actually saying it. Now depending on how vindictive the woman is, depends on what happens after that whatever. She could walk away or she could glare at you. If you get the glare, leave. Fast. Go to another part of the house and then go apologize. It would be wise to get flowers and possibly chocolate.

THAT’S OKAY. It’s not. It really isn’t. If there is a sneaky smile and eyes are slightly narrowed, she’s planning something and you won’t know when or how it will come to you but know it will. The “that’s okay” is usually followed after you’ve done something…bad. Depending how bad the thing is you’ve done, is how bad the punishment will be.

PLEASE DO. This is not a polite please do. This is a “You have 2 seconds to come up with as good an excuse as you can muster with that tiny brain of yours.” Tread carefully here. The truth could work wonders, either way, you’re probably in deep shit.

THANKS A LOT. This is not a Thank You. This is a “I’m really pissed off at you right now, so run.” If you hear this, you’ve probably just insulted her in some way or manner. Apologize. Think back a few seconds or minutes and just apologize.

SIGHING. There are two types of sighs we women give off, our loud sigh and our soft sigh. The soft sigh is the good sigh. It’s the I’m happy with what I have, where I am and with you. This is the sigh you want. This is also the sigh you can normally expect after sex. The loud sigh though, is one you don’t want. This is the why am I standing here wasting my time talking to such a moron? Start apologizing. This is a sigh that could result from something that just happened or happened a few months ago. Just apologize.

FIVE MINUTES. This is infamous with us women. When we say 5 minutes, it could mean 20-30 minutes. Don’t bother us or nag us or you’ll get another 5 minutes. We’re not like men, we can’t jump in and out of the shower or roll out of bed. It takes us some time to not look like the Thing that came from the Black Lagoon. Even celebrities can look like shit without their 5 minutes. It’s fair though. That 5 minutes you give us when you’re playing video games or watching baseball evens out.

DON’T WORRY, I’LL JUST DO IT. This is extremely dangerous. This is usually when we’ve reached our point of no return. We asked you to do something and you didn’t do it in timely enough manner  or after asking the third time we’re fed up with asking. We’re not happy with you and you will probably be getting a loud sigh, nothing, please do and fine shortly. Just apologize.

After I reposted the first 5 on my facebook a male friend of mine asked a simple question that a lot of you men are probably asking yourselves now, “Why not just say what you mean?”

A female friend of mine put it perfectly, “Whenever we do say what we mean, it makes things 10 x’s worse.”

There are many reasons why we don’t say what we really mean. 1. We’re really that mad that if we do, it’ll lead to a bigger fight so our phrases make it easier for us to just walk away from you.  2. We’re just sick of standing there listening to you that the phrase works. 3. You’re just being an idiot.

Every woman uses these phrases. If you’re a man who has had a girlfriend, fiancee or wife…you know them. You know what they mean and you should dread them.



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