Everybody has one. Or in some cases two or three. I’m surrounded. Honestly of all my neighbors I like 2 of them. The old lady 2 doors down and the super old lady 4 doors down. The others, they are those neighbors.

You know what I’m talking about. The loud, obnoxious neighbor who either buts into your business or quite literally puts their but in your business.

I have both of those neighbors. They are crude, rude and I can assure you when we move I won’t miss them.

Let’s start with Neighbor A. She’s elderly, has a half-dozen kids, all grown, and a dozen or so grandkids. Not so grown. They’re all 6+ and the most rambunctious, obnoxious little heathens to grace God’s green Earth. I know kids are hyper, I have 2 two-year-olds. I can write a book on hyper. In fact, I might.

These kids surpass hyper. All hours of the day and night they’re outside screaming and yelling. In fact, 3 days ago one of the girls stood in front of our house, Greg and I’s bedroom is on the second floor in front of the house with the windows open, screaming at the elderly lady at the top of her lungs. I was tempted to grab a roll of duct tape and use the entire thing on her. However, the softness of my bed won over and the kid did eventually shut up. Then starts the dogs. Yes, she has two over sized dogs she can’t seem to control. The dogs are more of a menace than mine is. I’m not a fan of her dogs. Then we get to her youngest son. He’s that typical boy who wears his pants at his ankles and uses the worst English I’ve ever heard. I almost bought him an English and grammar book for Christmas. We discovered rather quickly he loves blasting the music in his 89′ Honda at midnight. The car is a piece of crap and all he does is sit there with the radio as loud as he can possibly get it. Let’s say we’ve had a few rounds of words with him when our boys are trying to sleep and he’s being a super douche.

Then there are the people 2 doors down. Neighbors b-d. The old lady I like. A lot. She is the sweetest woman in the world. Why she married that grouchy, mean guy and produced a son like she has, I will never know. Now, her granddaughter isn’t all bad. She’s a sweet girl but she lives with her mother so we don’t see her often. The son though, lives with his old mom and pop. He definitely takes after his pop. For whatever reason they haven’t liked us since we moved in.

Then, the icing on the cake is the apartment building behind us. Neighbor e. The inspiration for this post. I have never had an issue with them until now. Until I was letting Minnie out to do her business and the fat man decided to bless me with his presence. He had his blinds open and was naked. Yes, as naked as the day he came into the world. I wanted to look away immediately but it was like a train wreck. You can’t help but stare. I’ve never seen a fat man naked before. I don’t want to see it again.

There was just so much…body. Luckily his stomach was so big I didn’t see his…well his manhood.

If I didn’t see the manhood does that mean it’s just really small or his gut is just really that big?

He didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact I saw either. He stood there in all his naked glory and just smiled. So gross. It still send shivers down my spine. Blah.

Then we get to the nosy neighbor. I’m sure you have one. The town gossip. The one who has to know absolutely everything about absolutely everyone. They tend to peek over your fence when your out in the yard or they’re knocking on your door for every little fart you make. My mother had one of those. She had to be the single most annoying woman in the world.

You could be blessed with the super sexually active couple. The ones who either leave their blinds open and have sex everywhere, any time of the day or are loud with windows open so you can hear. If you live in an apartment or duplex, I feel really bad for you. Not only do you hear the sex noises, you can and probably do hear the bangs of whatever it is pounding against the wall. Not only are these neighbors loud, when you see them out in public or in the hallway it is awkward. You try to be nice and pleasant but, in the back of your head you’re thinking, “I know what you did last night.”

Perhaps you have the neighbor who is a wanna be rock star that likes to practice at 3 am. This is the neighbor you want to duct tape to a wall and torment them by playing disco music for 8 hours, on an iPod with ear buds on them. After putting on the torture music, you smash their guitar, drums or whatever it is they play.

And finally, you have the creeper.

Oh everybody has had one in their life time. The super creepy guy/woman next door who reminds you of either a serial killer or a peeping tom. They have that psycho smile, the weird beady or bug eyes. S/he’s the neighbor who makes you triple check your doors and windows at night before bed. They are usually on one end of the spectrum of happiness. Either overly to the point of freaky happy or so curmudgeon and mean that you turn your eyes to the floor to not look at them. You would rather sneak out your window and down the fire escape than even risk running into them in the hallway, on the sidewalk or wherever you may bump into them.

We all have neighbors, unless you live in the middle of nowhere, that we deal with. Some we like, some we don’t. Most we don’t. The people you like never live near you and the ones you can’t stand or just completely freak you out are always right next door.


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