The Bedroom Rules

There are rules for the bedroom. Yes, rules that need to be obeyed!

Rule 1. Sides of the bed. There are distinct sides of the bed. My side and his side. You do not cross that invisible barrier. If you do there will be retaliation. The only thing I could thing of at 3 am was…I will fart on your pillow than slowly suffocate you with it. Imagine that there is a wall there. We’re separated like East and West Germany were by the Berlin wall. Crossing that wall will result in death. Yours. By suffocation and stink. Now, there are times of peace. During those times of peace visiting the foreign land is permitted but only by the ruler of that land. Me.

Rule 2.  Ipod/computer/cellphone usage. There are those times when I’m in bed alone that I’ll use my netbook to write. I’ll even use my cellphone when Greg is in bed, not a lot but sometimes. But the ba-ding, ba-ding, ba-ding of email from an Ipod about Podcasting at 4 am…NO, NO, NO!
That is MY time. Not the guy who wants to discuss Podcasting for The Great Gaming Crusade at 4 am! Especially when you skyped about it for 45 minutes before going to bed. If it happens again I’m going to fart on your pillow and not tell you.

Rule 3. Pillows. My pillow is my pillow. Not your pillow. Mine. You have your own pillows. Use them. I don’t want to wake up at 3 am and find your head on my pillow. I like to fluff my pillows and move them about as I wish. I can’t do that with your head on my pillow.
MY PILLOW! MINE! Not yours, not the dogs nor the cats…MINE, MINE, MINE!
That’s all about the pillows.

Rule 4. Blankets. Our blankets fit a queen sized bed. We have a queen sized bed. Do not hog the blankets. I don’t like getting up at 3 am to pee and coming back to you cocooned in all the blankets. Not cool. Remember back in kindergarten when that wonderful teacher taught you about sharing? Well, remember it. Sharing is caring.

Rule 5. Messing with your significant other. This is absolutely forbidden. You most certainly are not allowed to mess with your significant other. This includes but is not limited to: pinching, poking, rubbing with your feet, smashing, rolling on top of when you’re “sleeping”, invading the space of, farting near, burping near, breathing on. This is just a no-no. Simple as that. If it’s annoying, don’t do it.

Rule 6. TV Stealing. Just don’t do it. If it appears I’m sleeping, I’m not so don’t change the channel. I’m listening to it. Don’t change that channel…it will result in farting in your pillow and slowly suffocating you with it.

Those are the basic bedroom rules. There are more, and I may update at a later time but here you go.


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